“Puffing Autumn Smoke”

Chill Autumn breeze.
No, winter breeze.
Chilling to the bone.
Shaking violently.
Each breath is a puff of smoke.
Smoke rises to the sky and
Dissapates into the air
Never to be seen again
By the naked eye.

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A Short: Deep, Dark Places No. 2

It was my closest friend Adam, holding the angry candle away from his face, fearing its licks.

“I can’t believe that you dared to leave the palace again Catherine,” Adam said exasperated. “Remember what happened the last time that you decided to dilly dally in the streets? Did you not learn your lesson when the king sent out hundreds of soldiers to find you?”

I shrugged and took the candle from his hand, illuminating the street before me.

Adam sighed deeply.

“My God, Catherine. You’re not going to go in there are you? I took me forever to find you, and your father gave me direct orders to bring you back home as soon as possible. I know you’re a princess and sometimes you can feel restricted, but I’m tired —”

“Will you stop complaining?” I whip my head towards Adam and frown. “If you can’t take it, you can leave.” I point to the endless darkness behind us.

“No, I won’t leave.” He crosses his arms. “But I want an explanation of why you keep running away.”

I sigh. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

“I want to explore what’s beyond those walls. I want to see the world and all the people in it,” my heart beats erratically in my chest. “I mean, just imagine, all the rivers and oceans, and creatures that were never seen before. If I take one step further, I’ll be able to see all of that.”

We continue walking, Adam’s footsteps matching my own.

“I would never have guessed that you’re such a romantic.” He grabs my arm and I lurch forward, the candle daring to blow out. “Watch out.”

“You almost blew out the candle!”

“It’s not like you had one when you first started anyways.”

I shake myself out of his grasp and thrust the candle forward, yearning to see something other than the cobblestone streets.

In front of us, there is a large door, covered from top to bottom with ivy the color evergreen trees at the peak of summer. Two large ancient handles are on the door, coaxing me to pull them open and see the world beyond the darkness that I’m ensnared in every day.

I look back towards Adam, “Will you come with me?”  

Adam shuffles in his armor and takes a cautionary look to the darkness behind him.

“Let’s go.”

“Disappear”

The winter wind blows and ruffles my clothes,

Emotions of displacement overwhelm me.

This heart of mine, burdened with time,

Dares to escape my clutches.

Broken hearted I may be

And lost I may seem.

Yet, no matter where I go you seem to find me and wrap your arms around me.

Though you have cured my loneliness

And wherever you are I feel your holiness,

I am still likely to disappear.

“You’ve Changed”

It’s like something took hold of you, a monster of greed,

A monster of pride and high self esteem.

You wallowed in lust for a person that wasn’t there.

You spent hours in your closet searching for the prettiest clothes to wear.

 

Hour after hour, we would hear your big mouth talk,

Over and over you talked about your perfected walk.

It seems so distant but I remember when,

You would see me fall down and pick me up again.

And sometimes at night when my room goes dark,

I wonder what happened to the girl with the ki

Someone Told Me …

  • Someone told me that they loved me. I was sitting at my desk, bored to death when she turned around and told it to me matter-of-factually. I waited for a happy tingle to consume my being, but instead I smiled awkwardly and looked away. It’s hard for me to tell someone “I love you”, even when I love them back.
  • Someone told me I looked beautiful. The “camp crush” of the year told me in a middle of an awkward conversation. We didn’t really talk much after that, but it made me feel better to know that I’m not as ugly as I thought I was. It was nice to know that if I put some effort into my appearance, I won’t disappear.
  • Someone told me I’m not good enough. When I told someone I care about my next steps, they told me that the profession that I’m going into doesn’t fit my character and that most likely I’ll change my mind, like I always do.
  • Someone told me I’m not stable enough. I know that I’m sad most of the time, but just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing great things.
  • Someone told me I’m not smart enough. My grades aren’t good enough to be considered “intelligent”.
  • Someone told me I’m not try enough. Can’t they see that I’m trying?
  • Someone told me I can never do anything right. 
  • Someone told me I will never do that. 
  • Someone told me I’m too quiet. 
  • Someone told me I’m OCD. 
  • Someone told me I look ugly. 
  • Someone told me … 

It’s hard to think positively when negative thoughts overcrowd your mind. But take a deep breath, clear your mind, and start again. Good thoughts will come.