“You’ve Changed”

It’s like something took hold of you, a monster of greed,

A monster of pride and high self esteem.

You wallowed in lust for a person that wasn’t there.

You spent hours in your closet searching for the prettiest clothes to wear.

 

Hour after hour, we would hear your big mouth talk,

Over and over you talked about your perfected walk.

It seems so distant but I remember when,

You would see me fall down and pick me up again.

And sometimes at night when my room goes dark,

I wonder what happened to the girl with the ki

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Someone Told Me …

  • Someone told me that they loved me. I was sitting at my desk, bored to death when she turned around and told it to me matter-of-factually. I waited for a happy tingle to consume my being, but instead I smiled awkwardly and looked away. It’s hard for me to tell someone “I love you”, even when I love them back.
  • Someone told me I looked beautiful. The “camp crush” of the year told me in a middle of an awkward conversation. We didn’t really talk much after that, but it made me feel better to know that I’m not as ugly as I thought I was. It was nice to know that if I put some effort into my appearance, I won’t disappear.
  • Someone told me I’m not good enough. When I told someone I care about my next steps, they told me that the profession that I’m going into doesn’t fit my character and that most likely I’ll change my mind, like I always do.
  • Someone told me I’m not stable enough. I know that I’m sad most of the time, but just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing great things.
  • Someone told me I’m not smart enough. My grades aren’t good enough to be considered “intelligent”.
  • Someone told me I’m not try enough. Can’t they see that I’m trying?
  • Someone told me I can never do anything right. 
  • Someone told me I will never do that. 
  • Someone told me I’m too quiet. 
  • Someone told me I’m OCD. 
  • Someone told me I look ugly. 
  • Someone told me … 

It’s hard to think positively when negative thoughts overcrowd your mind. But take a deep breath, clear your mind, and start again. Good thoughts will come.

“Quicksand”

Hold my hand,

Hold me, please.

I’m sinking into the sand.

I’m already knee deep.

 

Your grip is loosening.

Your determination is fading.

My strength is declining.

My ears can’t hear what you’re saying.

 

It’s all around me.

It’s covering my eyes.

Where did you go?

Where did you hide?

 

All they can see is my lonely hand.

All you can see is sand.

Hold me, please.

Hold me, I’m sinking.

“Aroma”

Do you smell that?

The smell of defeat?

‘Cause honey it’s beautiful, succulent, and sweet.

Sayonara, to the girl I once knew.

Hasta la vista, adieu, adieu.

Because this beautiful smell,

So wonderful and inticing,

That shimmies from the top of my head to the soles of my feet,

Is the beautiful smell of defeat.

“Conqueror”

Darkness.

Overwhelming and obscuring it consumes me like a fire,

Igniting my desires while sucking the life out of me.

 

It wraps its arms around me,

Whispering that it has found me and that I can no longer hide.

 

Despair.

Shrouding my vision and guiding my footsteps,

Causing my heart to pound in my chest.

 

It knocks me to the ground,

Burying my heart in the vast sea of hopelessness.

 

Fear.

Making my decisions and making me scream,

Eradicating my confidence and dashing my dreams.

 

It removes my options and strips me bare,

Leaving me with half a personality and half a heart.

 

Love.

Burning down my defenses and leaving me wide open,

Filling my heart with incomprehensible joy that couldn’t possibly be for me.

 

It lets people in and reveals the frightened, desperate girl within,

Stretching her arms wide waiting for someone to run into them.

 

Determination.

Taking over my senses and molding me into the woman I wish to be,

Making me queen over my heart and my soul.

 

It sets my soul on fire and my pain bounces off my barrier,

Reminding me that it’s not me but Him who lives within me.

 

I’ve been broken,

Yet I’m still standing.

I’ve been hurt,

But I can still breathe.

 

I’m more than a conqueror through Him who loves me.

“The Race”

I’m so close.

So close that I can feel success coating my tongue,

Taunting me with all the good that I’ve done,

I’m close to winning this race that I’ve run for so long.

 

One more step.

I can feel it.

 

The roaring screams.

I can hear it.

 

All I need to do is follow my dreams.

And finally I can be the person that I’m meant to be.

The person that I was crafted to be.

Far before I was aware of my existence.

 

Two steps back.

I can feel it.

 

The disappointed groans.

I can hear it.

 

I’ve fallen back to the spot I’ve run from.

Who knew that the race has only just begun?

After all these miles I’ve run, I’m tired.

My sell by date is long expired.

 

I’m running.

I’m running.

 

My breathing is reduced to short breaths.

What motivation do I have left?

 

But I’m close.


Close enough that I can taste it on my tongue.

I’ll run the race until I’ve won.

I’ll run the race that I’ve begun.